I have been thinking about this for a while, and I have come to the conclusion that I will stop doing kendo. Maybe I will continue it in the future, maybe I won't. But right now, I just can't do it anymore.
It's not the sport. Kendo is a very interesting sport and I did enjoy it. But there are other things that just make me so pissed off every single time I have gone to practise, and that is not nice. There are a few main reasons why I decided to stop practising kendo...
1. I don't feel comfortable with our kendo-group in Jyväskylä.
I'm on a totally different level with the people I'm practising with, and I really don't have good friends there. It's very unmotivating to go to practise alone, I need someone to go with (or at least I thought so...). I get along with the people but... I just don't get the connection that I would like to get with them.
My boyfriend's kendo-goup is totally the opposite! The people there are GREAT, they are good friends with each other and the practising is fun and laid back. Ok, the practise itself is tough and deadly but you know what I mean... The atmosphere is laid back :D Everytime I practised with them, or just watched them practise, we went after kendo in some bar and had a great time. Last Friday, for example, was AWESOME. My kendo group hasn't gone after kendo in months.... it sucks.
Our kendo association in Jyväskylä is so. fucking. EXPENSIVE. My boyfriend's association is so much cheaper. Also, the teaching methods are much better in Seinäjoki than in Jyväskylä... I don't even remember when our teacher has taught us anything, or even taken part in practise!!! (Ok I haven't practised in Jyväskylä in a month so I don't know if he's practising/teaching again.) It makes me so pissed off that I have to pay a shitload of euros in one year when the teaching methods are not even that great... Also, I'm still very bitter about the Sensei's visit. We had to pay extra for that, even though the annual fees are high. Seinäjoki's association is much cheaper and they could still pay for the Sensei's costs... hmmm. I just wonder where all our money goes...
3. My condition
To be honest, I'm not that healthy atm. I have lost weight, again... It's not good. Last time I checked I weigh 46kg... I'm 171cm tall. It's absolutely terrible. And I feel like an idiot because a week ago I would have had an appointment with a dietician, that I had been waiting for two months because of the enormous queue. What happened? I FORGOT TO GO. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do now... I feel so embarrassed to call to the nurse and ask for a new appointment 'cos of my own stupidity... Oh well, I have to do it.
AYWAY. Because of my weight problems, I'm very tired all the time. I'm not kidding when I say that I'm awake for 8-9 hours a day, and sleep the rest 15 hours... It should be the opposite. I just can't help it. I can be awake only about 3 hours at the time, then I need a nap. Everything feels so heavy and hard, even though it isn't. It sucks balls, I tell you. My boyfriend is losing his nerves every time I take a nap. I just can't stay awake, and it does make me sad.
I made the BMI test again. It's a test that tells you if you have a depression or not. I got 24 points, which means a medium depression. I have had higher scores, so it's not that bad, but it sucks anyway. 0-10 points means no depression, 11-19 means mild depression, 20-29 points means medium depression and 30+ is a difficult depression.
4. The motivation. Ruined by the things above.
I really thought that I didn't want to do kendo because I have no good friends to do it with here, and I really need someone to force me to go to the practise. On Friday when I went to the practise with my boyfriend, I realised that it was not it. I just don't have the motivation anymore... I could barely do the 30 minutes' warm up, and then I stopped. There were only three words in my mind while practising: Fuck this shit. I felt nauseous and wanted to stop. I just went to the dressing room and changed normal clothes. I was so fed up. And at the same time I was very angry at myself.