Bye bye girlies...

My babies have moved to a new home now... It's so empty here .___. There are so many things I have to get used to >___< 

I think the worst part is being alone again.. No more happy rattie faces looking at me when I get home. There is just an empty corner where the cage used to be... The silence is making me very agitated as well... I'm having my TV on all the time even though I don't watch it. I hate silence. 

No more rustling of nest making.

No more crunching of munching nomnoms.

No more clangour of the drinking bottle.

No more sneezing and snuffing.

No more squee sounds of rattie fights.

But, even though this makes me sad, there are some good sides as well... I can start healing from the one year flu, maybe I can breathe through my nose again soon! :D My mouth is always very dry 'cos I can only breathe through my mouth >__< Also, I don't have to stress about baby sitters anymore, I can spend my holidays the way I want, and I can travel for as long as I want.. Oh well... Those two were the only good things >__<

I miss my babies .____. <3

<3

The end of Kendo

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I have come to the conclusion that I will stop doing kendo. Maybe I will continue it in the future, maybe I won't. But right now, I just can't do it anymore.

It's not the sport. Kendo is a very interesting sport and I did enjoy it. But there are other things that just make me so pissed off every single time I have gone to practise, and that is not nice. There are a few main reasons why I decided to stop practising kendo...

1. I don't feel comfortable with our kendo-group in Jyväskylä. 

I'm on a totally different level with the people I'm practising with, and I really don't have good friends there. It's very unmotivating to go to practise alone, I need someone to go with (or at least I thought so...). I get along with the people but... I just don't get the connection that I would like to get with them.

My boyfriend's kendo-goup is totally the opposite! The people there are GREAT, they are good friends with each other and the practising is fun and laid back. Ok, the practise itself is tough and deadly but you know what I mean... The atmosphere is laid back :D Everytime I practised with them, or just watched them practise, we went after kendo in some bar and had a great time. Last Friday, for example, was AWESOME. My kendo group hasn't gone after kendo in months.... it sucks.

2. Money.

Our kendo association in Jyväskylä is so. fucking. EXPENSIVE. My boyfriend's association is so much cheaper. Also, the teaching methods are much better in Seinäjoki than in Jyväskylä... I don't even remember when our teacher has taught us anything, or even taken part in practise!!! (Ok I haven't practised in Jyväskylä in a month so I don't know if he's practising/teaching again.) It makes me so pissed off that I have to pay a shitload of euros in one year when the teaching methods are not even that great... Also, I'm still very bitter about the Sensei's visit. We had to pay extra for that, even though the annual fees are high. Seinäjoki's association is much cheaper and they could still pay for the Sensei's costs... hmmm. I just wonder where all our money goes...

3. My condition

To be honest, I'm not that healthy atm. I have lost weight, again... It's not good. Last time I checked I weigh 46kg... I'm 171cm tall. It's absolutely terrible. And I feel like an idiot because a week ago I would have had an appointment with a dietician, that I had been waiting for two months because of the enormous queue. What happened? I FORGOT TO GO. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do now... I feel so embarrassed to call to the nurse and ask for a new appointment 'cos of my own stupidity... Oh well, I have to do it.

AYWAY. Because of my weight problems, I'm very tired all the time. I'm not kidding when I say that I'm awake for 8-9 hours a day, and sleep the rest 15 hours... It should be the opposite. I just can't help it. I can be awake only about 3 hours at the time, then I need a nap. Everything feels so heavy and hard, even though it isn't. It sucks balls, I tell you. My boyfriend is losing his nerves every time I take a nap. I just can't stay awake, and it does make me sad.

I made the BMI test again. It's a test that tells you if you have a depression or not. I got 24 points, which means a medium depression. I have had higher scores, so it's not that bad, but it sucks anyway. 0-10 points means no depression, 11-19 means mild depression, 20-29 points means medium depression and 30+ is a difficult depression.

4. The motivation. Ruined by the things above.

I really thought that I didn't want to do kendo because I have no good friends to do it with here, and I really need someone to force me to go to the practise. On Friday when I went to the practise with my boyfriend, I realised that it was not it. I just don't have the motivation anymore... I could barely do the 30 minutes' warm up, and then I stopped. There were only three words in my mind while practising: Fuck this shit. I felt nauseous and wanted to stop. I just went to the dressing room and changed normal clothes. I was so fed up. And at the same time I was very angry at myself.

A great week turned into bad...

I had planned that I will write a post about last night, which was one of the best evenings EVER. Andy McCoy, Finland's rock 'n' roll God, performed in Jyväskylä yesterday. However, I don't feel like writing the post now. I'm too sad to write it... I've been crying many hours today.

Why? Well, I found a tumor in Adele's body... And after a while, I found another... Two tumors, both on the same side of her body... They don't seem to bother her, which is good, but I feel very scared 'cos I'm afraid that they will grow bigger... If they grow bigger, I have to start making decisions whether to do a surgery or put her to sleep.... 

It should be an easy decision, Surgery, of course! But actually, it isn't. No, it's not about money. I'm always saying how poor I am, but for my baby girls, I'm never too poor. The problem is that Adele is starting to be old, 1½ years. She may not wake up from the sleep after the surgery. She may not wake up also because of her small size, rats are small animals.. And, even if the surgery would be successful, the tumors can always grow back... And the worst of all: If Adele dies, I have to put Ada asleep as well, which breaks my heart. But it has to be done because old rats don't get along with other rats, and rats can't cope alone.... 

I don't want to make these decisions!! 

Of course I should have seen this coming, tumors are genetic for rats... But when it actually happens to your own babies, it's absolutely terrible. I don't want to think about it, but everytime I see Adele, I want to start feeling her body and check on her moving, and it makes me very stressed... I just hope the tumors won't grow and she can live for a long time... <3

My little candy monster <3

Creepy cute short films

Last night I was spending time in YouTube, and stumbled upon a few very lovely short films. When I had watched them I immediately wanted to make a post about them and share them with you guys!

The Sandman

Everybody knows Sandman, right? The lovely little fellow who gives good dreams to children by throwing magic sand on them. Well, this video is a bit more scarier version of the original Sandman. The Sandman here throws sand on children when they are going to sleep, and then rips off their eyes to feed his children with them. It's pretty sad and very creepy, but I loved it!

The End

This is a story about a scarecrow that is condemned to prison because of being friends with a bird, instead of scaring it. While he is in prison, this bird comes and attacks him. He feels scared and can't defend himself from the attacks. He then goes unconscious. After a while he wakes up and realizes that he's not in the prison anymore: The bird was attacking him and stole his stuffing so it could set him free by building him again. The quality of the film is pretty poor, but I liked the story a lot *-*

Zero

This one is a bit goofy, but I wanted to watch it because of the woodoo-dolls! <3 They're so adorable! XD Anyway, the film tells a story about a society of dolls, where each doll is a certain number, from 0 to 9. The zeros are treated like garbage. In the end, the society realizes that zeros are not worthless after all, they can create something very big and meaningful.

The Maker

I absolutely loved this one ;____; It's so cute but very sad... The theme of this film is pretty much the same as in the Frankestein. A lonely bunny(-ish thingie :D) is creating a female bunny. At first I thought he is making her for company, but there is this weird hourglass, and the bunny seems to be in a hurry. At first he's afraid that he won't be able to bring her to life, but then he discovers music and the female bunny awakes. They get to spend a few minutes together, while the male bunny gives her a book where are the instructions to create a bunny. The hourglass then stops and the male bunny dies and vanishes in the air. It was so sad ;;__________;;

Children

Another story about a society of which people are marked by numbers! :D This is a Japanese short movie about a city where every single day is exactly the same. As you can see, the mouths of the children are shut with zippers, so they can't change things. One day, this one child gets tired of everything, and gets enough strength to open the zipper. After this, all the children's mouths opens, and they go do whatever they want. The ending of this is creepy as hell, but very adorable at the same time XDD

Love her

I totally love these lyrics <3

I met a girl who hated the world

she used her body to sell her soul

Everytime they'd break her and pay

tear out her heart, and leave her in pain

I never found out how she survived

all of the sadness she kept inside

I never found out how she could lie

with a smile on her face and the scratches she'd hide

You could love her if you paid, you could have her everyday

You could love her if you prayed, you could have her every way

Down on her knees, she wept on the floor

this hopeless life she wanted no more

Dead in her mind and cold to the bone

she opened her eyes and saw she was alone

She never found out how much I tried

all of the sadness she kept made me blind

She never found out how much I cried

the rope so tight on the night that she died

You could love her if you paid,

you could have her everyday

You could love her if you prayed,

you could have her every way

I never found out how she survived

a life lived in lies is a life of denial

I never found out how she could lie

with a smile on her face and the darkness inside

You could love her if you paid,

you could have her everyday

You could love her if you prayed,

you could have her every way

Nightmares. They won't stop.

A few years ago, we were deeply in love. Unfortunately, we never got to meet each other. 

Until now. 

You're lying in my arms, lifeless. 

I heard the news from your mother. 

"She's dead. Hanged herself." 

I ran to your house, in panic. I couldn't breathe, I felt like my heart had stopped as soon as I heard the news. 

"Where is she!?" I screamed.

"Over there" She said, like with no emotions at all.

There you were, lying on the floor.

I kneeled down next to you. I looked at you tears in my eyes. You looked beautiful as always. Your blonde hair, your tattoos, your leather jacket. The only thing that was wrong in the picture was that you weren't moving. Your eyes were closed. You had a big bruise on your neck. 

I took you into my arms, looked at your face, moved your hair off your face. I held you tight and started to cry hysterically. I couldn't believe it. This is how we meet? I couldn't move. I just sat there with you. Then, I fell asleep. 

I woke up. Unfortunately. You were still there. I was about to leave you. Just for a while, just to think about what am I going to do. Then it happened. 

You opened your eyes. 

I couldn't believe it. I crashed down on my knees again, crying. But this time, they were the tears of happiness. 

---

Luckily this one had a happy ending. But I see too many nightmares... This one wasn't the only one I had last night. I also had to kill my own rat, my baby Adele. It was terrible. Also, my boyfriend got kidnapped. Not sure if the drug called Hypnocil is real, but if it is, I'd like to have it, thank you!