The end of Kendo

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I have come to the conclusion that I will stop doing kendo. Maybe I will continue it in the future, maybe I won't. But right now, I just can't do it anymore.

It's not the sport. Kendo is a very interesting sport and I did enjoy it. But there are other things that just make me so pissed off every single time I have gone to practise, and that is not nice. There are a few main reasons why I decided to stop practising kendo...

1. I don't feel comfortable with our kendo-group in Jyväskylä. 

I'm on a totally different level with the people I'm practising with, and I really don't have good friends there. It's very unmotivating to go to practise alone, I need someone to go with (or at least I thought so...). I get along with the people but... I just don't get the connection that I would like to get with them.

My boyfriend's kendo-goup is totally the opposite! The people there are GREAT, they are good friends with each other and the practising is fun and laid back. Ok, the practise itself is tough and deadly but you know what I mean... The atmosphere is laid back :D Everytime I practised with them, or just watched them practise, we went after kendo in some bar and had a great time. Last Friday, for example, was AWESOME. My kendo group hasn't gone after kendo in months.... it sucks.

2. Money.

Our kendo association in Jyväskylä is so. fucking. EXPENSIVE. My boyfriend's association is so much cheaper. Also, the teaching methods are much better in Seinäjoki than in Jyväskylä... I don't even remember when our teacher has taught us anything, or even taken part in practise!!! (Ok I haven't practised in Jyväskylä in a month so I don't know if he's practising/teaching again.) It makes me so pissed off that I have to pay a shitload of euros in one year when the teaching methods are not even that great... Also, I'm still very bitter about the Sensei's visit. We had to pay extra for that, even though the annual fees are high. Seinäjoki's association is much cheaper and they could still pay for the Sensei's costs... hmmm. I just wonder where all our money goes...

3. My condition

To be honest, I'm not that healthy atm. I have lost weight, again... It's not good. Last time I checked I weigh 46kg... I'm 171cm tall. It's absolutely terrible. And I feel like an idiot because a week ago I would have had an appointment with a dietician, that I had been waiting for two months because of the enormous queue. What happened? I FORGOT TO GO. I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do now... I feel so embarrassed to call to the nurse and ask for a new appointment 'cos of my own stupidity... Oh well, I have to do it.

AYWAY. Because of my weight problems, I'm very tired all the time. I'm not kidding when I say that I'm awake for 8-9 hours a day, and sleep the rest 15 hours... It should be the opposite. I just can't help it. I can be awake only about 3 hours at the time, then I need a nap. Everything feels so heavy and hard, even though it isn't. It sucks balls, I tell you. My boyfriend is losing his nerves every time I take a nap. I just can't stay awake, and it does make me sad.

I made the BMI test again. It's a test that tells you if you have a depression or not. I got 24 points, which means a medium depression. I have had higher scores, so it's not that bad, but it sucks anyway. 0-10 points means no depression, 11-19 means mild depression, 20-29 points means medium depression and 30+ is a difficult depression.

4. The motivation. Ruined by the things above.

I really thought that I didn't want to do kendo because I have no good friends to do it with here, and I really need someone to force me to go to the practise. On Friday when I went to the practise with my boyfriend, I realised that it was not it. I just don't have the motivation anymore... I could barely do the 30 minutes' warm up, and then I stopped. There were only three words in my mind while practising: Fuck this shit. I felt nauseous and wanted to stop. I just went to the dressing room and changed normal clothes. I was so fed up. And at the same time I was very angry at myself.

100 Day Picture Challenge - Days 16 & 17

eek! Sorry, I didn't have time to update yesterday >__< But here are yesterday's and today's challenge ^^

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

:D I've written about this already in the favourite band -challenge post, but now I'll write about it again! :DD 

Taiji Sawada. 

My favourite bassist of all time, and the REAL bassist of X Japan. Screw you Heath -___-;; He's such a huge inspiration for me as a bassist. I wish to be as good as him one day. ...if I only had the nerves and energy to practise every day... But every day I get home from work, I'm so tired that I don't have the energy to do anything -___-;; I have to fix that somehow ;___;

Taiji had a tough life, he had been suffering from severe depression for like... forever? He tried to kill himself a few times, and last summer, he succeeded.... I cried like a baby when I heard the news ;__; He had been on a flight, where he had this weird "rage attack", it had been very hard to calm him down, and when the flight ended, the police took him to jail to calm down. However, he managed to hang himself in there...He didn't die immediately, but the hang left him brain dead, so three days later his family decided to turn off the life support...

He wrote a book ages ago, I'd love to read it, but it hasn't been translated completely. ..and I hate reading -___-;; I need someone to read it for me as a bedtime story, lol.

July 12, 1966 – July 17, 2011, rest in peace <3

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

My ex-boyfriend. A complete asshole.

Why did he have a huge impact in my life? He hurt me, big time, but as my therapist says, I should be glad that I dated him. And when I come to think of it, I am! He was jealous in a very unhealthy way, and wanted to control me and was questioning everything I did or said. Many of my best friends are boys, and everytime I was spending time with them, he fucking lost it. He absolutely thought that I was cheating on him.

And what's the good thing about that?? :D Well, I used to be EXACTLY like him in my previous relationship. I couldn't stand that one of my exes had a lot of female friends, and that he was very close with his exes as well. So, to be honest, I fucked up the best relationship I ever had... I regeret it, A LOT. It's still a very hard thing for me, but I don't want it to bother me too much. Anyway, with T, I saw my old personality in him. When I could actually be with someone who reminded my actions with M, I said to myself that I don't want to be that kind of person EVER AGAIN. 

 

I have to admit though, that if my partner would be very close friends with his exes, that would be a tough one for me, still... Luckily Joni isn't that close with them, so we hadn't had any problems with that yet, and hopefully never will...

100 Day Picture Challende - Day 6

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Iira Salo

A Finnish girl who is a huge inspiration for lolitas all over the world. 

Why did I choose her? Well, to be honest, I'm very jealous for her :D In a healthy way though XD I don't envy her in a bad way, I'm very happy for her for everything she does! 

Anyway, well, first of all, she's absolutely STUNNING <3 She looks gorgeous, I absolutely love every piece of clothing she owns. She's so beautiful ;___; <3 But I didn't choose her only because of her lovely looks. Seems like she has built an awesome life, and she has accomplished so many things I have been dreaming of! She lives abroad, in Holland, she has a good job so she doesn't have to stress about many. She also is an awesome seamstress, who makes awesome clothes and accessories. Her skills are amazing. ....whiiich makes her more money :D oh god I sound terrible XD "moneymoneymoney" :DDD 

But seriously, that's the life I'm dreaming about. A job that I actually love, and that gets me well paid so I can do the things I really love. At the moment, I can't do any of them... 

And I have dreamed about living abroad as well. Atm I'm quite satisfied in Finland, but it would be nice to live somewhere else for a while. 

So... yeah, I'm a bit jealous >___<I'm not sure what she thinks about this post, but I hope she takes this as a compliment ^^*